TL;DR
43 year old, 6'3" ER physician turned investor/businessman looking across the US for a woman to support and complement in life partnership and children. Ideally kind, virtuous, ambitious, emotionally mature, and open to and likely able to have 3 or more biological kids (surrogacy is fine), but I am flexible on all but the deal breakers mentioned below. I am well groomed for the demands of being a husband and father. Flexible in terms of location as I am happy to bear all the costs (and time) of traveling for dates and moving as well. 😀
Why should you read this and the FAQ?
I am following the golden rule of doing on to others as I would have them do unto me. I wish others provided more useful information about themselves (who they are, values, future goals, and preferences for dating and a partner) to help make it easier to assess compatibility and interest and know how to treat my date best with the dating experiences they enjoy the most. I do understand that many are initially turned off, confused, and triggered by this approach, but it helps me manage the time and stress of moving through the large volume of women on these app most enjoyably and efficiently. Please let me know if you have any ideas for other helpful information to include.
Public Social Media Accounts
https://www.instagram.com/dwpaulde/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/dillon-paul-md-b238a684/
https://www.facebook.com/woodchuck
Strategy:
I (like many) am overwhelmed by the abundance and inefficiency of online dating, particularly the many vague and superficial profiles and lack awareness, confidence, trust, and forthrightness that make it difficult to determine with whom we would be interested in connecting. To help streamline the process, I created this website to outline information about who I am including values and preferences (but I'd prefer you share your interests and preferences so I can simply accommodate to yours), and what I look for in women with which to network and date. My hope is to reduce the frequency of basic questions and help make it easier for the women who have aligned values, goals, interests, and personality find me for dating, friendship, and/or networking.
I am willing to go Kelce for Swift style with my phone number on a bracelet if you help me identify my Swift.
Dating:
My home base is in Dallas, TX, but I’m mobile and am happy to do any traveling/moving to make dating and relationships easier for the hardworking, ambitious, and successful women with whom I like connecting. I will re-emphasize this because it's unusual and can be a source of confusion, but I am happy to take on all the time and expense, and uproot my location for women I want to meet and then ultimately the woman whose heart I want to win. I have gone on dates throughout the country and even moved to Omaha where my last girlfriend lived once we became exclusive.
My Dating Mantra:
Dating is not just a means to finding a life partner, but a more dynamic process. Most won’t be the “one” and some may not be compatible romantically, but wins come in friends, business contacts, sports/hobby companions, partners for our friends, and other networking. And incremental growth or being touched by or touching the life of others happens more than we realize. We shouldn't become overly focused on finding our life partners without appreciating and being open to the many wins along the way.
Deal Breakers
I don’t date those with children of their own or those not willing to consider or likely to have difficulty having 3 or more biological children, although I'm fine with surrogacy and egg donation if bad luck prevails for my partner and I.
I also don't date those with significant active substance abuse or history of addiction/dependence.
I want a partner who believes they can be comfortable with aborting a pregnancy with genetic concerns identified on prenatal testing (for example, Down syndrome but many others identifiable). I don't have any major genetic predispositions that increase such risk (as this is a question sometimes asked), however chromosomal abnormalities such as Down syndrome are an example of relatively common idiosyncratic cause. I apologize in advance to the many who will find this offensive and disrespectful to a politically, religiously, socially, and emotionally loaded topic. I respect the woman's ultimate right to choose and change her mind on this issue once they are pregnant (and others right to believe no one should be allowed to have this choice) and would work through the issue at that time, but I'd prefer to find someone who believes they are inclined to this decision as I’d like to do everything I can to avoid committing to a life long union with a woman who ultimately holds the sole decision making of bringing a high needs child into the world, which I feel strongly is something I want to avoid with use of modern technology and have no ethical concerns with such, nor do many women I meet..
Strengths as a Partner and Potential Father
Growth mindset, kind, high integrity/honesty/loyal (good faith), ambitious, enterprising, diligent, emotionally mature/supportive, strong intellect, financially secure, physically and mentally healthy with strong coping skills, moderately athletic, resilient, come from a solid family, former children's ski school instructor, tall, no balding, good uncorrected vision, limited health issues in myself and family (which I'm happy to share publicly if of greater interest).
Weaknesses:
Attention deficit disorder (disorganized and distractible at times), Obsessive Compulsive Personality Traits (perfectionist, which is a manifestation of anxiety), not great at keeping track of grooming, style, or posture. There are probably many others, but I try to improve the ones that seem important to those around me, especially my partner. Happy to elaborate on further weakness in the context of anything that might be important to anyone interested.
Description of Me:
Age: 43
Height: 6’3"
Weight: 195-200 lbs
Eyes: hazel/green/blue?
Hoodie: waiting for you to steal
I am a nonspiritual, business owner, investor, and emergency physician emeritus who hasn't practiced clinical medicine for over 3 years due to a re-shifting of priorities and interests after transitioning to a passive role from my most successful investment to date, which re-shifted my financial needs, goals, and position. I dedicate my time and energy to investing, working on myself (being coached, personal growth, improving EQ, communication, and confidence, etc), and finding a life partner (settling down and having a family). I grew up in Wilmington, Delaware, but my family is now in Tucson area [Dad (civil engineer who has an architectural degree as well), mom (retired physician assistant and former assister in regulatory compliance for agrochemical industry), uncle (sports medicine doctor), aunts (nurse midwife and retired former librarian)], Boulder area (nonbiological Bosnian exchange student brother who lived with family in high school and his wife and daughter), and Altadena [greater Los Angeles where sister (partner at big law), brother-in-law (accountant focusing on accounting software development), niece live]. I have no kids and have never been married (engaged for a month to my first girlfriend). I want kids, with current inclination to be as many to which my partner is agreeable (3 or more is my current preference but obviously to be reassessed together with my partner as we go) and I'm fine with surrogate and open to egg donation in the unfortunate event it's needed. I don't use any illicit substances including drinking very rarely. My parents and myself are allergic to cats and although I've never been against dating someone with a cat, I have never done so and feel like I should at least mention it as some cat owners apparently do not want to date people with allergies to them.
Financial, Management, and Labor Distribution:
I am a VHNWI (maybe between 13-25 M although I don't keep close tabs and these things fluctuate and are hard to estimate when it represents large holdings of private businesses and volatile stocks). I live a simple and inexpensive life independently and plan to be flexible to the complexities and can easily afford the expenses desired by most women and plan to invest heavily on my children's education and assistance with some of the time consuming and tedious tasks of child rearing. However, I like women who make significant contributions themselves in the family and community, so it feels like a strong and balanced partnership and am drawn to successful and ambitious women such as those in finance, lawyers, executives, engineers, entrepreneurs, and doctors. I do appreciate women who are financially successful, thrive, and are valuable in our capitalistic world and I believe there are benefits in terms of lowering financial risks for both parties in the unfortunate event of divorce (which I have put a lot of effort in to learning how to avoid) and imagine there is a more balanced dynamic when both partners are financially secure and thriving. I am also thankful of the additional modeling and genes a strong female figure provides the children and strength it provides for the family unit. Although I come from a family where the men and women work full time throughout childrearing with the exception of maternity/paternity leave, I am open to communication and flexibility in finding the best dynamic for our family. I don't need to work and have few requirements on my time as is and look forward to investing time with my family and am open to the many equitable arrangements that can be established in home and family labor needs.
Values and Transparency:
I am interested in investing my time, energy, and money in principled women, so I like to be able to have strong indications of values, aspirations, history, and/or interests. I prefer transparency upfront, to help us see whether we are interested in developing a connection and getting to know each other further.
Politics:
I come from a progressive family and schooling and focus on respect, but avoid proselytizing about my support for sustainability, LGBT, and pro-choice to name a few. I am open and non-judgmental in immediately sharing any seemingly invasive information others find helpful to identify dates, life partners, or other people with whom they would like to make a meaningful connection, so I prefer you jump right in as I appreciate directness.
Past Relationship Positive Feedback:
Off the cuff feedback from my first ex-girlfriend: emotionally available, secure attachment, handled personal finance/investing for her, taught her skiing (and I'll add I'm happy to teach all sports or anything: circle of competences listed elsewhere), loyal, honest, funny (especially funny when not trying to be), moms love me, prioritize being available for loved ones when requested, generally respectful of strong opinions of which I disagree, non-confrontational, and not a yeller. Can provide additional feedback from her on any specific factors you'd like to know before dating (including the things I needed to work on which are listed in the FAQ) or you can speak to her directly if you'd like, although it was my first relationship and I've grown enormously since then as it ended about 6 years ago.
Reviews:
Two Female Friends: Kind-hearted and genuinely good person with strong morals, good manners, reliable, caring, loyal, honest, smart, ambitious, and cute. I met both online dating and dated one. Can connect you with them if desired.
Recent review after 3 dates: "You're very sweet, kind, considerate, generous, honest, and well-intentioned. I also appreciate how much effort you put in to wanting to understand me and get to know me for me. That's quite rare and not something I take for granted. You treat me very well. Thank you 🥺. I feel lucky to have crossed paths with you." She didn't develop any romantic interest though 🤷🏼♂️ and that was someone who was too emotionally taxing for me to maintain contact with.
Interests:
playing sports 🥏⚽️🏀🎾🏐🏓⛷🏂🏄♂️🏋🏼♂️🤾🏼🏊🏻🚵🏼 pickleball and games. I exercise daily, often through team sports (currently basketball and ultimate frisbee most frequently) and weightlifting. Business, investing, and Warren Buffett have become recent passions over the last couple years, but I've had previous phases I've gone through in triathlons, personal finance, critically acclaimed rock music, emergency medicine, resuscitation, emergency airway management, procedural cadaver labs, etc. Self-improvement is a driver for me and my current focus has been emotional intelligence, dating, fostering attraction, and other soft skills for dating, many which have resulted in growth in areas outside those realms by improving all interactions and relationships. Family, friends, sustainability, honesty, acting in good faith, and simplicity are also core values for me. My parents have a vacation home in Keystone (2 hours from Denver in the Colorado Rockies) that I have frequented in the summers and winters since I was a kid and my father grew up vacationing with his parents in the area as well and my father and his brother both worked for the resort after college where I worked as well as children's ski school instructor, reservation sales agent, waiter, and bell hop/valet. My maternal grandmother also grew up not to far away and I was named after the town of Dillon where my grandfather's vacation condo was in a town close by Keystone.
My Future Goals:
Having an amazing family and multilingual kids with good values who bring a lot of good to this world. Developing a network of amazing and admirable people with exceptional values. At this point, I hope to become an exceptional investor and progress to investing for my family, then friends once I develop a strong and persistent track record with my own funds. Increasing my value through personal growth, expanding my circle of competence, interpersonal skills and connections, and being especially compassionate and kind to be the best influence in this world.
How I Identify People to Date:
For those contacting me outside of a dating applications I find it incredibly helpful to be contacted with pictures of a dating app profile or written material that includes the location, height, occupation (including aspirations), age, strong/rigid/important religious/cultural/personal beliefs, and interests of those wanting to date or network. I do look for and find helpful discussion of common values (integrity, kindness, ambition, mental/physical/financial health, personal growth, and athletic background and interests are unnecessary, but very appealing as playing sports is my preferred recreation) or other commonalities to those I’ve listed. I seek smart, successful, ambitious, and enterprising women for dating, friends, and contacts as I love people who are better than me and teach me things in their circles of competence and try to teach others in mine as well.
I do prefer to exchange pictures as well and hope that they fully represent a realistic appearance as I've attempted to do in my pictures above.
In the spirit of full disclosure, I set my online dating filters to 34 (I was up to 40, but it became to time consuming and emotionally taxing looking for women who have done fertility planning with frozen eggs and asking for the information upfront) or less and 5’4” or taller (but I make adjustments sometimes). I like to know about any fertility planning (or openness to such) up front especially in those older than 33 because I'd like to have 3 or more biological children with my partner, although I'm open to surrogacy and egg donation (if unlucky circumstances occur for the later or if you know where you could get eggs as good as your own as I'm not sure what this process looks like yet). I'm also in the process of freezing my sperm (although I'm fine with IVF and sperm donor in the unlikely event it's needed or even if my partner would simply prefer someone with better genes than myself as I'm not particular on my children being genetically related, however I do want to have input in to the genes and therefore want to avoid adoption).
Feel free to simply send screenshots of your online dating profile for your convenience as it's an easy way to use your time efficiently. Anything else that you’re willing to share about who you are and what you want to know is enthusiastically encouraged.
Other Things I like to know:
Anything that makes you a great partner. Please don’t be humble! I hate missing the opportunity to meet amazing women, but there are too many of you and one of the most difficult issues is efficiently identifying the best women who are personality, goal, and value aligned who I should spend time getting to know further. Detailed and transparent profiles and forthright communication is greatly appreciated. I created this website with all the information I'd think might be helpful for you to assess your interest. I'd happily look through any material or social media you would provide me. I only delay acquiring the information I want about women to avoid triggering or making women uncomfortable with direct questions that may tap in to their insecurities, desire for privacy/safety, and inclinations towards typical social conventions for escalation of trust and revealing who we are.
Anything that is helpful for you to decide whether you are interested in someone as a date, network contact, or life partner, so I can provide the information that helps you along your journey.
I'd prefer to know your balance sheet (net worth) and cash flows (yearly earnings), although I hesitate to ask in person as most aren't as comfortable sharing them as early as I am, nor is it considered socially appropriate upon first meeting by most people's standards. I'd also love to know your opinions and flexibility on finances as they relate to relationships. If luxury, showing off, and keeping up with the joneses is a priority for you or you like to live above the means you can personally afford on your own, then we probably aren't a good match.
Strong, rigid, and/or important political, religious, cultural, and personal beliefs.
I am interested in how and to what extent you have invested time and energy in your own knowledge and skills and demonstrated ambition, diligence, resilience, growth, and success in your life and growing interpersonal relationships and your current hopes for the future (career, family, etc).
I like to know athletic background, interests, and/or willingness for such, but don’t require any because, I love to teach and have independent hobbies. I don't insist on my partner having the same interests and proclivities, but do like to know about this as a potential way to connect.
I like women who are kind, virtuous, optimistic, and have strong interpersonal/communication skills, and have a high potential for growth individually and as a couple.
Further Professional Pursuits
I'm a couple years in to investing in to individual stocks which I started with an online investment group which focuses on marine shipping and energy with a luckily timed shipping sector bull run followed by an unfortunate market diverging bear run for the sectors. Certainly, some interesting wins (biggest a micocap that I 10x'ed that was the stock for which had been involved in a reverse merger), lots of learning, and educational losses. I helped manage a fraud lawsuit against a majority shareholder and his manager at a free standing emergency room practice who constructed a fraud scheme against their physician minority shareholders. I am also the lead angel investor in my friend/former resident's medical device startup (https://www.endeavormedcorp.com/), considering taking up a board seat and other positions at companies in my industry (emergency medical practice facilities), and helped with initial capital investment on a 25-year-old's investment partnership after we connected on Reddit in a common interest in Chinese microcap credit service companies, one of which I visited while I was in China with an ex-girlfriend (oddly, the net current assets minus debt were worth more than the entire value of this very profitable and growing company and value of the company was only ~1.5 time the earnings like what was occasionally seen by Benjamin Graham during bear markets in the US decades ago).
FAQ
Why are you still single?
I think this continues to be the most frequent question I get even when I try my best to fully address it here. It's a complex answer for everyone and reflects their past dating and relationship history. I didn't really start my journey in dating, intimacy, and relationships until I was about 30 and finishing emergency medicine residency and so I had much to learn in that time as I had limited experience with physical and emotional intimacy including no prior girlfriend or sex before. People seem to assume it's because I was focused on career, which has some truth to it, but primarily I avoided all those things because I found them scary and anxiety inducing leading to almost complete avoidance and figured they would be easier if I had a strong career and financial situation to make me a better dating candidate (but now realize how complicated and slow the process is and wish I had started the journey sooner). I describe my relationship history and timeline in other FAQs below that try to tackle why they didn't lead to life partnership. The newest evolution of my website strategy started about July 2024 after ending the relationship with my 4th girlfriend and I've continued to try to find ways to improve the process and outcome with some neglect for social conventions. I have had two significant relationships since then, one being my first experience dating someone with excellent intellectual, emotional, value, and goal compatibility, but for whom I had no sexual attraction. That dating lasted about 3 months, although we are still friends. I also dated another wonderful women for 3-4 months, but felt too much pressure to move the relationship along at her pace rather than what was consistent with my preferences and didn't feel emotionally safe expressing my thoughts and feelings on these topics as they were emotionally triggering for her (although I admittedly still should have tried harder to push through this, but continue to need to develop this skill as it's incredibly important for my ultimate success). I do feel I'm getting close and making great progress in improving my emotional intelligence, communication, understanding of what I want, and how to attract and identify the right women as the women I date are better with time and I am more capable and confident with them, although it's recurrently tough to fully appreciate the extent of my blind spots and opportunities for improvement and so I'm constantly humbled by how much I have and continue to learn.
One IG dating coach mentions that finding a life partner isn't easy for anyone and doesn't like this question and I agree it is very open ended and complex to answer accurately and succinctly, as well as makes some feel on the spot or judged but probably is a useful exercise of reflection. I don't ask it much of others anymore, although I am curious about women's past and relationship history that demonstrates skills, scars, and emotional maturity they might have. There are certainly infinite things that contribute to me being single, which as for most people also entails that I want to both to find the best partner for me (and the women I like are very popular with lots of interest/competition for their time and attention and already in relationships) and be the best partner for someone as well. Below I describe what has stopped women from dating or continuing to date me which I uncommonly get feedback on, but appreciate when I do. Certainly I have a long list already mentioned for why I have been uninterested in or stopped dating many others:
1) I like using this website and other initial online dating strategies to save time and it probably pushes many women away from ever meeting that might be a great match. However, I can't convince myself it is worth stopping because I feel it saves me much time and manages the huge volume of women online so I get a better fit for people who overcome this ubiquitous initial reaction that is commonly shared with me as this website consolidates many of the topics that are usually covered during the in person dating process. Still I have had some women who are surprised how normal I am in person having gotten their first impression from this website and have advised me to get rid or it or let them revise it.
2) I'm infinitely curious for all the reasons various women aren't interested and try to get as much feedback as I can, which is incredibly varied and limited. Here is a list off the top of my head:
a) this website makes me seem too strange, socially divergent, unaccepting, not accommodating, etc
b) I am too old for their preferences
c) They want to date someone who already lives near rather than someone whom will travel and move for dating and a relationship, even though I emphasize my life situation is very amenable to location flexibility.
d) They are not on the same page with deal breakers such as unwilling to have more than 2 children or undergo prenatal testing or an elective abortion for an unhealthy pregnancy such as one with Down syndrome.
e) They didn't feel chemistry on the first date.
f) They don't want to date someone with any hint of avoidant dismissive tendencies even if I have a history of secure attachment and know and continue to learn how to manage it well in dating and relationships.
g) would not date me because of my fertility/age preference out of principle even though she met it.
h) Sometimes I'll neglect important things for making a good impression that dates can't handle, the most notable one being that I was in between dental work on many dates and missing a front tooth (one specifically requested that I wait to reach out when I got that fixed and was clean shaven). However, I also sometimes don't optimize my clothes and hair/facial hair if I'm not locked in enough on date preparation.
i) One had concern about ADD heritability.
j) see comments on this website for more feedback on lack of interest.
3) I have lots more speculative reasons for why I don't attract some women: lack of similar values such as agnostic, coming from a progressive family, intimidating, my focus on optimizing life at the expense of what others would consider enjoying it, my socially divergent tendencies, don't seem funny or charismatic enough, anxiety/confidence/self-love/self-compassion issues or not knowing thoughtful date gestures to make a good impression (I have continued to optimize a lot of these), not in a good head space during dating because of stress, not good at meeting, identifying, and asking women out IRL, not perfect at flirting, not other's physical type, ideal partner archetype, not emotionally attune enough with dates, women dealing with their own insecurities, biases, and triggers.
Why would you be a good husband and father?
I am an ambitious and accomplished individual with demonstrated success in my past and I have started to refocus on how to become a excellent husband and father. My parents, sister, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins have strong stable marriages with only two out of eleven divorces and the two in second degree relatives. I read and think a lot about how to be a better partner (and find and choose the best one) and parent, with a recent emphasis on emotional intelligence and communication of which I admittedly had a huge opportunity for improvement but have and will continue to refine these skills. I've included some reviews from female friends that show some of my strengths. I also have a lot of value I can bring because of all the time and efforts I've spent investing in myself and the strong foundation I was granted by my upbringing and various genetic advantages. If anyone has any tips on how to become a better husband and father or how to attract and find the best partner, please feel free to provide any guidance.
Are you just looking for someone to have children with?
While I want children and believe my partner's fertility/eggs are an incredibly valuable asset they bring to the relationship, I do understand how important it is to reassure women that this is not the only aspect that I value in partnership with them. I want to deliver the best experience for my life partner, myself, and the family unit, which I imagine will require loyalty, commitment, loving her unconditionally, building an equitable relationship, and investing/supporting her and the family in the ways she prefers. I want the relationship and family to be great and realize that will take continual communication, time, commitment, and energy investment. I expect it to be very challenging at times.
What does your dating process look like?
I prefer as much written material upfront to review as others are willing to provide so I can determine if I'm interested in getting to know you further. This would include your dating preferences for me to review and incorporate as well. I find an initial video and/or audio call prior to meeting useful since I usually have to do a good deal of travel for an in person date, but I am willing to consider skipping it if I have enough upfront information. I've learned to find a lot of useful information from profiles, messages, social media, and calls that I use to assess interest. I do tend to think unwillingness to be forthright with information and a call prior to meeting doesn't bode well for compatibility as it suggests things like insecurities, lack of intentionality, and unwillingness to invest effort, consideration, and generosity in to the dating process. I do love written material and social media to review, but don't frequently ask for it since some women do not seem particularly inclined to providing it. I hugely appreciate when matches look at this website, let me know when they have reviewed it, and respond with information that's mentioned here (or make any effort to further share things about themselves that they feel are important), but again, I don't require or even suggest it as I feel they would have simply provided such if they were willing to do so upon having read this.
I like to pace dates to about once per week rather escalating frequency and duration quickly to leave time and space for reflection and intentional attachment. I am also hesitant to be physically intimate to also avoid strong emotional connection prior to getting to know each other well and find that without reflection, I am prone to over-exuberance. This slower pace has disappointed some women who are interested in starting with passion, intimacy, and moving quickly towards attachment and commitment, but I have found emotional entanglement without knowing each other well and the associated stress on the back end particularly unpleasant and time consuming as I find disappointing and breaking up with women who become attached traumatizing for the both of us. I regret that meeting on a dating app creates a higher expectation of immediate romance and courtship than I find helpful for those who know little about each other if we are trying to move strategically and intentionally to a life partnership. I sometimes feel overwhelmed trying my best to impress and treat my dates well while ultimately being most interested in learning about them and do find it stressful when they start liking me before I feel comfortable that I know who they are and whether they are the person I want to focus exclusively on.
I do date in parallel and prefer those I'm dating to do the same as I find it stressful when those I am dating become fixated on me prior to myself feeling ready to do the same. I generally say I need a few months (three?) of dating prior to being comfortable being exclusive because I feel a lot of pressure from women in the past to do so quickly and have agreed even though it wasn't consistent with my own thoughts and feelings because I have wanted to please those I'm dating, lose sight of my own wishes which I believe I will no longer struggle with. I do try to communicate my thoughts and feelings as openly as possible to help pace dating and I get better at it the more I practice, but I still have moments of exuberance and excitement that I continue to try to temper because I worry about it creating too strong a connection resulting in the potential for disappointment of those I date. With that said, if you're wanting to know where I am at please feel free to ask, but be ready for the truth that is often not the fantasy that women seem to naturally develop and dream of.
I am inclined to maintain friendship even if life partnership doesn't seem appropriate for either of us for those emotionally mature enough to do so. I have come across ~4 women whose continued contact has been too emotionally taxing to maintain, but it happens less as I've learned how to identify the early warning signs of such better with time to the point I now believe I will be able to avoid most of these people.
I try to protect the heart of those I'm dating and I believe this intentionality, strategy, and restraint is helpful but I am open to communication and collaboration on everything. I request that you try your best to trust I am doing everything in my power to balance doing right by you and myself as anger, distrust, and criticism cuts me deeply, so any patience and compassion for my difficulty and mistakes is greatly appreciated.
Also of note, I love to tackle important topics for compatibility and sustainability of the relationship as soon as those I'm dating are comfortable. The following is an example of a potential list: https://medium.com/@doctorbecky/45-things-to-ask-before-you-get-married-2cd2b61915a1 which I tackle at the end of this webpage. Consider reading this summary of "how not to die" alone to help decide whether we are on the same page: https://ericsandroni.com/how-to-not-die-alone-summary/ . I don't agree with all the points, but I think they are useful things to think about and appreciate when others are thinking about the same.
I ballpark about two years of a relationship prior to my desire to starting to have kids, which I'd like to start as soon as my partner and I are comfortable.
What were some reasons for the end of your past relationships?
I certainly have weaknesses in relationships that I mention in sections further below and continue to try to improve upon them. This section simply describes who initiated the breakup and why.
*The last two women I seriously dated are described above and we dated for about 3 months each.
*ex-GF4 (6 months long): I can't talk about this one publicly per her request.
*as I got to know ex-GF3 (6 months long) better, I felt her values, integrity, and emotional immaturity weren't what I wanted from my life partner and mother of my children.
*ex-GF2 (1 year long) has also asked me not to talk about the relationship. She suggests "We are both learning how to be better, and I think people should have the opportunity to learn about you and make their own opinion. You can just say that we were not compatible if someone asks."
*ex-GF1 (3 years long) was mentioned above in Past Relationship Positive Feedback and broke up with me. I believe I have worked on and changed many things that contributed to her decision, most notably that I didn't commit the time and energy to maintaining the relationship that a partner deserves because I didn't fully understand the importance of this concept and I was still much more concerned and invested in my occupational pursuits at that point. Ultimately she didn't feel loved and appreciated enough which I certainly regret, but believe I can better manage this now.
Why Start A War for the name of the website?
It's a song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y41xwsj7vIs
Ending
Thanks for taking the time to read my profile and any help you provide. Private and public comments available on top right and bottom of this page respectively. Contact info link in top right. 💫
I took out the dating blog/story section, so let me know and I can send it to you or consider bringing it back.
Everything Below was Removed for Brevity:
Survey questions
that I'd find helpful in addition to the information provided in a standard online profile mentioned above:
1. How willing and able (fertility planning and/or number of frozen eggs if over 33) would you be to have 3 more kids.
2. What's your net worth and current and future earnings/cash flow expectations?
3. What are your greatest accomplishments and skills?
4. What are your future aspirations for your life and family?
5. What athletic background do you have?
6. What information do you believe is important for me or a prospective date to know.
Bonuses:
7. Describe how your current dating and relationship aspirations are informed by your past dating and relationships. What are your most recent and significant relationships? What areas of relationships do you still struggle with and try to focus on? What would you describe as the cause of your recent breakups?
8. Tell me about your family background.
9. What are your thoughts on religion, politics, and finances in relationships.
10. How do you like to fill your time and what are your interests?
11. Who are the closest people in your life as far as family and friends?
Tag Line
Are you looking for a man in finance, 6’3”, green eyes???
Social Media
I like connecting with matches on LinkedIn to understand occupational and educational background. Occasionally, I find IG and Facebook useful when initially connecting because I don't feel the profile pictures that were chosen provide an adequate idea of what a person looks like. Once I decide I'm interested in investing time in a match and getting to know them I like being connected on social media because I find it helpful to stay in touch and I'm invested and curious about others successes and like to provide support. I often am hesitant to ask to connect because many women are careful with their privacy and anonymity, but please don't hesitate to let me know if you are alright with letting me see or connect with your social media as I'm generally interested in doing so when I'm building a connection.
Pickleball
Pickleball is my go to activity for networking and dating. It requires little coordination to enjoy and is an incredible networking tool through open play, which I feel all single people should be aware of. It's a viral cultural phenomenon, so it's incredibly timely and I just so happen to be a great tour guide and coach because of my background in coaching, education, and passion for it. Many women are nervous about trying, but not one has ever regretted it that I know of.
Opposite Sex Platonic Relationships:
Some women prefer I don't maintain contact with ex-GF1 and other women who I've developed friendships with and sometimes dated, which I've always complied with when requested. But I'll admit, I don't think it's necessary nor do I require the same from my partner with their male friends and exes. I'm good at maintaining clear boundaries and have never cheated emotionally or physically on any partner (nor do I plan to) and don't require such boundaries for my partner as I'm inherently trusting of others to manage these things themselves as they best see fit.
Why don't you hire a matchmaker?
I have looked in to it and am open to any and all suggestions, however I do question whether they would connect me with anyone better than who is available in the online community. One match suggested that they search LinkedIn and their pool might include people who don't join the apps. I talked to one matchmaker who starts at 50k and explained that it basically is head hunting for matches (and I'll note that I've heard many criticisms of head hunters as well). She suggested I should be focusing on dating rather than the search. Do you think an ideal match would be more responsive to someone else doing the search than me doing it on my own on the apps? I figured I'd do a better job, given all my experience and effort and it would be more practical for someone who doesn't have the system and time to execute. I haven't heard of any users of them that speak highly of them and read and meet many negative reviews of them. They also heavily target my demographic and many of the referrals I've received have been associated with referral bonuses if I sign. Some sources have suggested that many of the best match makers don't do it as a profession, but as their own passion. Overall, I think they make the most sense for those with plenty of money they are happy to spend and without the time and interest in navigating the dating world by themselves.
Why do I want 3 or more children?
I think raising children will be very personally rewarding despite and because of all the work it will entail, even given the investments I plan to make in the difficult tasks of child rearing. Building strong and solid relationships with people, through family, friendship, mentorship, etc is very rewarding and so I'd like to pursue it especially with one of the deepest bonds that all of us have between child and parent. Although we leave legacies to the world with many things we do, one way is through the family and children with which we raise. Although, I'm proud of the influence I've had in this world (and hope to contribute more), I believe I can have even more with the children and family of which I'm a part. I think my partner and I will have and raise great children with the help of our families and communities. Ultimately, it is a combination of personal reward, meaning, and further contribution I hope to make.
What are my areas for improvement in relationships?
I spend lots of time and energy on emotional intelligence, attachment, and communication for the benefit of myself and my future partner (although I find the skills useful in business, friendship, and other relationships). A Facebook friend, former medical school classmate, and life coach suggested I may have some avoidant dismissive tendencies despite my first GF adamantly reporting a secure attachment in our first relationship (I suspect this is because she was more secure, emotionally mature, and respectful of my boundaries than many of the other women who brought out my avoidant side). Remember that attachment styles change with time and change in situations. However, that relationship had several important areas for improvement, including that she sometimes prioritized my needs and wants at the expense of her own and I let her because a bit of unhealthy codependency that was additionally fulled by her taking on occupational responsibilities for me in the relationship as well. This did lead to resentment on her part. We did have other opportunities for growth in improving our communication and emotional intelligence (particularly myself. It was my first relationship though!). Below are some aspects that I have worked on improving including better identifying and managing my own emotional states and those of others which I believe I have improved on enormously.
•In an intimate relationship, I sometimes feel suffocated by demands, especially if my partner asks me how I am feeling. I have difficulty identifying and describing some of my emotions and sometimes other people realize them before I do.
•I sometimes prioritized my interests, career, and hobbies over my relationships.
•I am happy to meet the practical needs of my loved ones, but I sometimes get uncomfortable and have difficulty when these same people need emotional support.
•I am okay with asking others to meet my wants (i.e. friendships, sex life, physical intimacy), but not my needs (practical, financial, survival).
•When my feelings are hurt, I sometimes retreat and process instead of reaching out and talking it through with whoever hurt me.
•I sometimes have difficulty figuring out how to get close emotionally in dating and relationships.
•I like constant and predictable environments under my control because it helps me self-regulate (in addition to exercise which is one of my main self-regulation tools).
•I sometimes have difficulty opening up and being vulnerable.
•Keystone Limiting Belief: I am unsafe
•Other Limiting Beliefs: I am trapped, I am helpless, I am weak if vulnerable, I am powerless, “Why bother” belief, I am defective
•Triggers:
•Criticism/Shame
•Conflict
•Loss of independence/freedom
•Commitments (e.g.: Both big romantic commitments as well as just overcommitting time, space, energy, etc.)
Avoidant Attachment Nervous System Response
•Stress Response: Predominantly Flight and/or Freeze Response
•Setting very large and strong boundaries
•Avoiding Conflict
•Ignoring/dismissing
•Frustration/irritation/impatience
•Chronic low level anxiety
•Stonewalling/Withdrawing/Distance
•Disconnection/dissociation
•Emotional Suppression/Numbing
•Avoiding Vulnerability
•Flaw findings of partners/deactivation
I've done a lot of learning and reflecting to identify and address these tendencies when they rear their head. GF1 thinks my ADD explains the greatest difficulties she experienced in being a relationship with me, as possibly did GF2 and GF4. These things didn't seem to bother the last couple women I dated, which I believe is the result of greater self-awareness and improved communication I've developed.
Why include your net worth? Don't you think you'll attract the wrong people?
I definitely think it will attract some of the wrong people and scare away some of the right people. However, ultimately these are things I find many women including many of my female friends want to know and for very good reasons. Most of them aren't given the information, but try to look for indications of competence and financial and social status. I'd rather just make it easy for women to figure out since some like to know and have continued to improve in my ability to screen the wrong women out as many other successful men and women learn to do. I also prefer to know the financial situation of women I date and so I see this as simply treating others as I myself prefer to be treated and opening up the channel for discussion that women might otherwise feel less inclined to approach without my precedent.
What is the typical response to this website and approach?
There continues to be an unending diverse response to it and the "comments" section on this site can give you a flavor.
Why didn't you reply?
I presume others prefer no response if I haven't been presented enough information to suspect I'd be interested romantically to avoid the sting that is often felt with perceived rejection, so if you do prefer confirmation or explanation of lack of interest, please let me know. I certainly am thankful for everyone's attention and interest and do often worry about the way with which people prefer to be communicated. I for my part love to know when people aren't interested and receive explanations and feedback and continue to train myself to redirect the emotional trigger of perceived rejection gracefully and appreciatively outwardly while continuing to experience the emotions inwardly. However, I certainly can agree it can be exhausting dealing with people who don't handle this disinterest and reason well.
Why do you so openly share your location?
I frequently share my contact information and location with those that have iPhones and understandably many people find this confusing. I tend to be an over-sharer and socially divergent in many of my habits including leaving my stuff unattended out in the open for example. While confusing, my tendency towards being especially open may make some people comfortable being more open themselves that certainly can be helpful in building healthy relationships of all type. While most people ask why they would share their location, my inclination is why shouldn’t I share my location and I can’t think of a reason. I’m happy for people to know where I am and if they happen to be nearby, I’d be happy to have them think of me and consider connecting in person. With that I presume this may also make people uncomfortable who maybe feel a pressure towards social reciprocity. I understand that women don’t have the same privilege or advantage that I have as a male to allow them to be unguarded and feel safe around those they know little about and only rarely do women ever reciprocally share their location.
My Tips:
Dating is not easy for many of us, but I believe the more we invest in improving our skills and abilities (such as emotional intelligence and communication) required for the process, the more likely we are to achieve any goals we have for our life in the realm and the skills are very useful for other areas of your life as well. What holds some people back is how difficult and discouraging the process can be (myself included), so consider finding collaborators, coaches, and mentors to keep you motivated in the process if your relationship goals are important to you. Resources that I've found helpful in improving myself have been using coaches, friends (but be careful trusting general opinions), mentoring others, writing/sharing who I am and what I'm looking for (and having people challenge me), following dating/relationship/life coaches on Reels (Max Butterfield is the best IMO) so my short form media targets that content, and putting lots of time and energy in to personal improvement, dating, and relationship skills. It has been paying incredible dividends in my search and all aspects of my life. Good luck 🍀 to everyone and let me know if can help and if you have discovered any pearls yourself.
Thank You for Everyone's Help
Thank you to those who have and continue to help in my quest for building my network of incredible women and finding a life partner with referrals, sharing this website, providing advice, revisions, and more.
43 year old, 6'3" ER physician turned investor/businessman looking across the US for a woman to support and complement in life partnership and children. Ideally kind, virtuous, ambitious, emotionally mature, and open to and likely able to have 3 or more biological kids (surrogacy is fine), but I am flexible on all but the deal breakers mentioned below. I am well groomed for the demands of being a husband and father. Flexible in terms of location as I am happy to bear all the costs (and time) of traveling for dates and moving as well. 😀
Why should you read this and the FAQ?
I am following the golden rule of doing on to others as I would have them do unto me. I wish others provided more useful information about themselves (who they are, values, future goals, and preferences for dating and a partner) to help make it easier to assess compatibility and interest and know how to treat my date best with the dating experiences they enjoy the most. I do understand that many are initially turned off, confused, and triggered by this approach, but it helps me manage the time and stress of moving through the large volume of women on these app most enjoyably and efficiently. Please let me know if you have any ideas for other helpful information to include.
Public Social Media Accounts
https://www.instagram.com/dwpaulde/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/dillon-paul-md-b238a684/
https://www.facebook.com/woodchuck
Strategy:
I (like many) am overwhelmed by the abundance and inefficiency of online dating, particularly the many vague and superficial profiles and lack awareness, confidence, trust, and forthrightness that make it difficult to determine with whom we would be interested in connecting. To help streamline the process, I created this website to outline information about who I am including values and preferences (but I'd prefer you share your interests and preferences so I can simply accommodate to yours), and what I look for in women with which to network and date. My hope is to reduce the frequency of basic questions and help make it easier for the women who have aligned values, goals, interests, and personality find me for dating, friendship, and/or networking.
I am willing to go Kelce for Swift style with my phone number on a bracelet if you help me identify my Swift.
Dating:
My home base is in Dallas, TX, but I’m mobile and am happy to do any traveling/moving to make dating and relationships easier for the hardworking, ambitious, and successful women with whom I like connecting. I will re-emphasize this because it's unusual and can be a source of confusion, but I am happy to take on all the time and expense, and uproot my location for women I want to meet and then ultimately the woman whose heart I want to win. I have gone on dates throughout the country and even moved to Omaha where my last girlfriend lived once we became exclusive.
My Dating Mantra:
Dating is not just a means to finding a life partner, but a more dynamic process. Most won’t be the “one” and some may not be compatible romantically, but wins come in friends, business contacts, sports/hobby companions, partners for our friends, and other networking. And incremental growth or being touched by or touching the life of others happens more than we realize. We shouldn't become overly focused on finding our life partners without appreciating and being open to the many wins along the way.
Deal Breakers
I don’t date those with children of their own or those not willing to consider or likely to have difficulty having 3 or more biological children, although I'm fine with surrogacy and egg donation if bad luck prevails for my partner and I.
I also don't date those with significant active substance abuse or history of addiction/dependence.
I want a partner who believes they can be comfortable with aborting a pregnancy with genetic concerns identified on prenatal testing (for example, Down syndrome but many others identifiable). I don't have any major genetic predispositions that increase such risk (as this is a question sometimes asked), however chromosomal abnormalities such as Down syndrome are an example of relatively common idiosyncratic cause. I apologize in advance to the many who will find this offensive and disrespectful to a politically, religiously, socially, and emotionally loaded topic. I respect the woman's ultimate right to choose and change her mind on this issue once they are pregnant (and others right to believe no one should be allowed to have this choice) and would work through the issue at that time, but I'd prefer to find someone who believes they are inclined to this decision as I’d like to do everything I can to avoid committing to a life long union with a woman who ultimately holds the sole decision making of bringing a high needs child into the world, which I feel strongly is something I want to avoid with use of modern technology and have no ethical concerns with such, nor do many women I meet..
Strengths as a Partner and Potential Father
Growth mindset, kind, high integrity/honesty/loyal (good faith), ambitious, enterprising, diligent, emotionally mature/supportive, strong intellect, financially secure, physically and mentally healthy with strong coping skills, moderately athletic, resilient, come from a solid family, former children's ski school instructor, tall, no balding, good uncorrected vision, limited health issues in myself and family (which I'm happy to share publicly if of greater interest).
Weaknesses:
Attention deficit disorder (disorganized and distractible at times), Obsessive Compulsive Personality Traits (perfectionist, which is a manifestation of anxiety), not great at keeping track of grooming, style, or posture. There are probably many others, but I try to improve the ones that seem important to those around me, especially my partner. Happy to elaborate on further weakness in the context of anything that might be important to anyone interested.
Description of Me:
Age: 43
Height: 6’3"
Weight: 195-200 lbs
Eyes: hazel/green/blue?
Hoodie: waiting for you to steal
I am a nonspiritual, business owner, investor, and emergency physician emeritus who hasn't practiced clinical medicine for over 3 years due to a re-shifting of priorities and interests after transitioning to a passive role from my most successful investment to date, which re-shifted my financial needs, goals, and position. I dedicate my time and energy to investing, working on myself (being coached, personal growth, improving EQ, communication, and confidence, etc), and finding a life partner (settling down and having a family). I grew up in Wilmington, Delaware, but my family is now in Tucson area [Dad (civil engineer who has an architectural degree as well), mom (retired physician assistant and former assister in regulatory compliance for agrochemical industry), uncle (sports medicine doctor), aunts (nurse midwife and retired former librarian)], Boulder area (nonbiological Bosnian exchange student brother who lived with family in high school and his wife and daughter), and Altadena [greater Los Angeles where sister (partner at big law), brother-in-law (accountant focusing on accounting software development), niece live]. I have no kids and have never been married (engaged for a month to my first girlfriend). I want kids, with current inclination to be as many to which my partner is agreeable (3 or more is my current preference but obviously to be reassessed together with my partner as we go) and I'm fine with surrogate and open to egg donation in the unfortunate event it's needed. I don't use any illicit substances including drinking very rarely. My parents and myself are allergic to cats and although I've never been against dating someone with a cat, I have never done so and feel like I should at least mention it as some cat owners apparently do not want to date people with allergies to them.
Financial, Management, and Labor Distribution:
I am a VHNWI (maybe between 13-25 M although I don't keep close tabs and these things fluctuate and are hard to estimate when it represents large holdings of private businesses and volatile stocks). I live a simple and inexpensive life independently and plan to be flexible to the complexities and can easily afford the expenses desired by most women and plan to invest heavily on my children's education and assistance with some of the time consuming and tedious tasks of child rearing. However, I like women who make significant contributions themselves in the family and community, so it feels like a strong and balanced partnership and am drawn to successful and ambitious women such as those in finance, lawyers, executives, engineers, entrepreneurs, and doctors. I do appreciate women who are financially successful, thrive, and are valuable in our capitalistic world and I believe there are benefits in terms of lowering financial risks for both parties in the unfortunate event of divorce (which I have put a lot of effort in to learning how to avoid) and imagine there is a more balanced dynamic when both partners are financially secure and thriving. I am also thankful of the additional modeling and genes a strong female figure provides the children and strength it provides for the family unit. Although I come from a family where the men and women work full time throughout childrearing with the exception of maternity/paternity leave, I am open to communication and flexibility in finding the best dynamic for our family. I don't need to work and have few requirements on my time as is and look forward to investing time with my family and am open to the many equitable arrangements that can be established in home and family labor needs.
Values and Transparency:
I am interested in investing my time, energy, and money in principled women, so I like to be able to have strong indications of values, aspirations, history, and/or interests. I prefer transparency upfront, to help us see whether we are interested in developing a connection and getting to know each other further.
Politics:
I come from a progressive family and schooling and focus on respect, but avoid proselytizing about my support for sustainability, LGBT, and pro-choice to name a few. I am open and non-judgmental in immediately sharing any seemingly invasive information others find helpful to identify dates, life partners, or other people with whom they would like to make a meaningful connection, so I prefer you jump right in as I appreciate directness.
Past Relationship Positive Feedback:
Off the cuff feedback from my first ex-girlfriend: emotionally available, secure attachment, handled personal finance/investing for her, taught her skiing (and I'll add I'm happy to teach all sports or anything: circle of competences listed elsewhere), loyal, honest, funny (especially funny when not trying to be), moms love me, prioritize being available for loved ones when requested, generally respectful of strong opinions of which I disagree, non-confrontational, and not a yeller. Can provide additional feedback from her on any specific factors you'd like to know before dating (including the things I needed to work on which are listed in the FAQ) or you can speak to her directly if you'd like, although it was my first relationship and I've grown enormously since then as it ended about 6 years ago.
Reviews:
Two Female Friends: Kind-hearted and genuinely good person with strong morals, good manners, reliable, caring, loyal, honest, smart, ambitious, and cute. I met both online dating and dated one. Can connect you with them if desired.
Recent review after 3 dates: "You're very sweet, kind, considerate, generous, honest, and well-intentioned. I also appreciate how much effort you put in to wanting to understand me and get to know me for me. That's quite rare and not something I take for granted. You treat me very well. Thank you 🥺. I feel lucky to have crossed paths with you." She didn't develop any romantic interest though 🤷🏼♂️ and that was someone who was too emotionally taxing for me to maintain contact with.
Interests:
playing sports 🥏⚽️🏀🎾🏐🏓⛷🏂🏄♂️🏋🏼♂️🤾🏼🏊🏻🚵🏼 pickleball and games. I exercise daily, often through team sports (currently basketball and ultimate frisbee most frequently) and weightlifting. Business, investing, and Warren Buffett have become recent passions over the last couple years, but I've had previous phases I've gone through in triathlons, personal finance, critically acclaimed rock music, emergency medicine, resuscitation, emergency airway management, procedural cadaver labs, etc. Self-improvement is a driver for me and my current focus has been emotional intelligence, dating, fostering attraction, and other soft skills for dating, many which have resulted in growth in areas outside those realms by improving all interactions and relationships. Family, friends, sustainability, honesty, acting in good faith, and simplicity are also core values for me. My parents have a vacation home in Keystone (2 hours from Denver in the Colorado Rockies) that I have frequented in the summers and winters since I was a kid and my father grew up vacationing with his parents in the area as well and my father and his brother both worked for the resort after college where I worked as well as children's ski school instructor, reservation sales agent, waiter, and bell hop/valet. My maternal grandmother also grew up not to far away and I was named after the town of Dillon where my grandfather's vacation condo was in a town close by Keystone.
My Future Goals:
Having an amazing family and multilingual kids with good values who bring a lot of good to this world. Developing a network of amazing and admirable people with exceptional values. At this point, I hope to become an exceptional investor and progress to investing for my family, then friends once I develop a strong and persistent track record with my own funds. Increasing my value through personal growth, expanding my circle of competence, interpersonal skills and connections, and being especially compassionate and kind to be the best influence in this world.
How I Identify People to Date:
For those contacting me outside of a dating applications I find it incredibly helpful to be contacted with pictures of a dating app profile or written material that includes the location, height, occupation (including aspirations), age, strong/rigid/important religious/cultural/personal beliefs, and interests of those wanting to date or network. I do look for and find helpful discussion of common values (integrity, kindness, ambition, mental/physical/financial health, personal growth, and athletic background and interests are unnecessary, but very appealing as playing sports is my preferred recreation) or other commonalities to those I’ve listed. I seek smart, successful, ambitious, and enterprising women for dating, friends, and contacts as I love people who are better than me and teach me things in their circles of competence and try to teach others in mine as well.
I do prefer to exchange pictures as well and hope that they fully represent a realistic appearance as I've attempted to do in my pictures above.
In the spirit of full disclosure, I set my online dating filters to 34 (I was up to 40, but it became to time consuming and emotionally taxing looking for women who have done fertility planning with frozen eggs and asking for the information upfront) or less and 5’4” or taller (but I make adjustments sometimes). I like to know about any fertility planning (or openness to such) up front especially in those older than 33 because I'd like to have 3 or more biological children with my partner, although I'm open to surrogacy and egg donation (if unlucky circumstances occur for the later or if you know where you could get eggs as good as your own as I'm not sure what this process looks like yet). I'm also in the process of freezing my sperm (although I'm fine with IVF and sperm donor in the unlikely event it's needed or even if my partner would simply prefer someone with better genes than myself as I'm not particular on my children being genetically related, however I do want to have input in to the genes and therefore want to avoid adoption).
Feel free to simply send screenshots of your online dating profile for your convenience as it's an easy way to use your time efficiently. Anything else that you’re willing to share about who you are and what you want to know is enthusiastically encouraged.
Other Things I like to know:
Anything that makes you a great partner. Please don’t be humble! I hate missing the opportunity to meet amazing women, but there are too many of you and one of the most difficult issues is efficiently identifying the best women who are personality, goal, and value aligned who I should spend time getting to know further. Detailed and transparent profiles and forthright communication is greatly appreciated. I created this website with all the information I'd think might be helpful for you to assess your interest. I'd happily look through any material or social media you would provide me. I only delay acquiring the information I want about women to avoid triggering or making women uncomfortable with direct questions that may tap in to their insecurities, desire for privacy/safety, and inclinations towards typical social conventions for escalation of trust and revealing who we are.
Anything that is helpful for you to decide whether you are interested in someone as a date, network contact, or life partner, so I can provide the information that helps you along your journey.
I'd prefer to know your balance sheet (net worth) and cash flows (yearly earnings), although I hesitate to ask in person as most aren't as comfortable sharing them as early as I am, nor is it considered socially appropriate upon first meeting by most people's standards. I'd also love to know your opinions and flexibility on finances as they relate to relationships. If luxury, showing off, and keeping up with the joneses is a priority for you or you like to live above the means you can personally afford on your own, then we probably aren't a good match.
Strong, rigid, and/or important political, religious, cultural, and personal beliefs.
I am interested in how and to what extent you have invested time and energy in your own knowledge and skills and demonstrated ambition, diligence, resilience, growth, and success in your life and growing interpersonal relationships and your current hopes for the future (career, family, etc).
I like to know athletic background, interests, and/or willingness for such, but don’t require any because, I love to teach and have independent hobbies. I don't insist on my partner having the same interests and proclivities, but do like to know about this as a potential way to connect.
I like women who are kind, virtuous, optimistic, and have strong interpersonal/communication skills, and have a high potential for growth individually and as a couple.
Further Professional Pursuits
I'm a couple years in to investing in to individual stocks which I started with an online investment group which focuses on marine shipping and energy with a luckily timed shipping sector bull run followed by an unfortunate market diverging bear run for the sectors. Certainly, some interesting wins (biggest a micocap that I 10x'ed that was the stock for which had been involved in a reverse merger), lots of learning, and educational losses. I helped manage a fraud lawsuit against a majority shareholder and his manager at a free standing emergency room practice who constructed a fraud scheme against their physician minority shareholders. I am also the lead angel investor in my friend/former resident's medical device startup (https://www.endeavormedcorp.com/), considering taking up a board seat and other positions at companies in my industry (emergency medical practice facilities), and helped with initial capital investment on a 25-year-old's investment partnership after we connected on Reddit in a common interest in Chinese microcap credit service companies, one of which I visited while I was in China with an ex-girlfriend (oddly, the net current assets minus debt were worth more than the entire value of this very profitable and growing company and value of the company was only ~1.5 time the earnings like what was occasionally seen by Benjamin Graham during bear markets in the US decades ago).
FAQ
Why are you still single?
I think this continues to be the most frequent question I get even when I try my best to fully address it here. It's a complex answer for everyone and reflects their past dating and relationship history. I didn't really start my journey in dating, intimacy, and relationships until I was about 30 and finishing emergency medicine residency and so I had much to learn in that time as I had limited experience with physical and emotional intimacy including no prior girlfriend or sex before. People seem to assume it's because I was focused on career, which has some truth to it, but primarily I avoided all those things because I found them scary and anxiety inducing leading to almost complete avoidance and figured they would be easier if I had a strong career and financial situation to make me a better dating candidate (but now realize how complicated and slow the process is and wish I had started the journey sooner). I describe my relationship history and timeline in other FAQs below that try to tackle why they didn't lead to life partnership. The newest evolution of my website strategy started about July 2024 after ending the relationship with my 4th girlfriend and I've continued to try to find ways to improve the process and outcome with some neglect for social conventions. I have had two significant relationships since then, one being my first experience dating someone with excellent intellectual, emotional, value, and goal compatibility, but for whom I had no sexual attraction. That dating lasted about 3 months, although we are still friends. I also dated another wonderful women for 3-4 months, but felt too much pressure to move the relationship along at her pace rather than what was consistent with my preferences and didn't feel emotionally safe expressing my thoughts and feelings on these topics as they were emotionally triggering for her (although I admittedly still should have tried harder to push through this, but continue to need to develop this skill as it's incredibly important for my ultimate success). I do feel I'm getting close and making great progress in improving my emotional intelligence, communication, understanding of what I want, and how to attract and identify the right women as the women I date are better with time and I am more capable and confident with them, although it's recurrently tough to fully appreciate the extent of my blind spots and opportunities for improvement and so I'm constantly humbled by how much I have and continue to learn.
One IG dating coach mentions that finding a life partner isn't easy for anyone and doesn't like this question and I agree it is very open ended and complex to answer accurately and succinctly, as well as makes some feel on the spot or judged but probably is a useful exercise of reflection. I don't ask it much of others anymore, although I am curious about women's past and relationship history that demonstrates skills, scars, and emotional maturity they might have. There are certainly infinite things that contribute to me being single, which as for most people also entails that I want to both to find the best partner for me (and the women I like are very popular with lots of interest/competition for their time and attention and already in relationships) and be the best partner for someone as well. Below I describe what has stopped women from dating or continuing to date me which I uncommonly get feedback on, but appreciate when I do. Certainly I have a long list already mentioned for why I have been uninterested in or stopped dating many others:
1) I like using this website and other initial online dating strategies to save time and it probably pushes many women away from ever meeting that might be a great match. However, I can't convince myself it is worth stopping because I feel it saves me much time and manages the huge volume of women online so I get a better fit for people who overcome this ubiquitous initial reaction that is commonly shared with me as this website consolidates many of the topics that are usually covered during the in person dating process. Still I have had some women who are surprised how normal I am in person having gotten their first impression from this website and have advised me to get rid or it or let them revise it.
2) I'm infinitely curious for all the reasons various women aren't interested and try to get as much feedback as I can, which is incredibly varied and limited. Here is a list off the top of my head:
a) this website makes me seem too strange, socially divergent, unaccepting, not accommodating, etc
b) I am too old for their preferences
c) They want to date someone who already lives near rather than someone whom will travel and move for dating and a relationship, even though I emphasize my life situation is very amenable to location flexibility.
d) They are not on the same page with deal breakers such as unwilling to have more than 2 children or undergo prenatal testing or an elective abortion for an unhealthy pregnancy such as one with Down syndrome.
e) They didn't feel chemistry on the first date.
f) They don't want to date someone with any hint of avoidant dismissive tendencies even if I have a history of secure attachment and know and continue to learn how to manage it well in dating and relationships.
g) would not date me because of my fertility/age preference out of principle even though she met it.
h) Sometimes I'll neglect important things for making a good impression that dates can't handle, the most notable one being that I was in between dental work on many dates and missing a front tooth (one specifically requested that I wait to reach out when I got that fixed and was clean shaven). However, I also sometimes don't optimize my clothes and hair/facial hair if I'm not locked in enough on date preparation.
i) One had concern about ADD heritability.
j) see comments on this website for more feedback on lack of interest.
3) I have lots more speculative reasons for why I don't attract some women: lack of similar values such as agnostic, coming from a progressive family, intimidating, my focus on optimizing life at the expense of what others would consider enjoying it, my socially divergent tendencies, don't seem funny or charismatic enough, anxiety/confidence/self-love/self-compassion issues or not knowing thoughtful date gestures to make a good impression (I have continued to optimize a lot of these), not in a good head space during dating because of stress, not good at meeting, identifying, and asking women out IRL, not perfect at flirting, not other's physical type, ideal partner archetype, not emotionally attune enough with dates, women dealing with their own insecurities, biases, and triggers.
Why would you be a good husband and father?
I am an ambitious and accomplished individual with demonstrated success in my past and I have started to refocus on how to become a excellent husband and father. My parents, sister, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins have strong stable marriages with only two out of eleven divorces and the two in second degree relatives. I read and think a lot about how to be a better partner (and find and choose the best one) and parent, with a recent emphasis on emotional intelligence and communication of which I admittedly had a huge opportunity for improvement but have and will continue to refine these skills. I've included some reviews from female friends that show some of my strengths. I also have a lot of value I can bring because of all the time and efforts I've spent investing in myself and the strong foundation I was granted by my upbringing and various genetic advantages. If anyone has any tips on how to become a better husband and father or how to attract and find the best partner, please feel free to provide any guidance.
Are you just looking for someone to have children with?
While I want children and believe my partner's fertility/eggs are an incredibly valuable asset they bring to the relationship, I do understand how important it is to reassure women that this is not the only aspect that I value in partnership with them. I want to deliver the best experience for my life partner, myself, and the family unit, which I imagine will require loyalty, commitment, loving her unconditionally, building an equitable relationship, and investing/supporting her and the family in the ways she prefers. I want the relationship and family to be great and realize that will take continual communication, time, commitment, and energy investment. I expect it to be very challenging at times.
What does your dating process look like?
I prefer as much written material upfront to review as others are willing to provide so I can determine if I'm interested in getting to know you further. This would include your dating preferences for me to review and incorporate as well. I find an initial video and/or audio call prior to meeting useful since I usually have to do a good deal of travel for an in person date, but I am willing to consider skipping it if I have enough upfront information. I've learned to find a lot of useful information from profiles, messages, social media, and calls that I use to assess interest. I do tend to think unwillingness to be forthright with information and a call prior to meeting doesn't bode well for compatibility as it suggests things like insecurities, lack of intentionality, and unwillingness to invest effort, consideration, and generosity in to the dating process. I do love written material and social media to review, but don't frequently ask for it since some women do not seem particularly inclined to providing it. I hugely appreciate when matches look at this website, let me know when they have reviewed it, and respond with information that's mentioned here (or make any effort to further share things about themselves that they feel are important), but again, I don't require or even suggest it as I feel they would have simply provided such if they were willing to do so upon having read this.
I like to pace dates to about once per week rather escalating frequency and duration quickly to leave time and space for reflection and intentional attachment. I am also hesitant to be physically intimate to also avoid strong emotional connection prior to getting to know each other well and find that without reflection, I am prone to over-exuberance. This slower pace has disappointed some women who are interested in starting with passion, intimacy, and moving quickly towards attachment and commitment, but I have found emotional entanglement without knowing each other well and the associated stress on the back end particularly unpleasant and time consuming as I find disappointing and breaking up with women who become attached traumatizing for the both of us. I regret that meeting on a dating app creates a higher expectation of immediate romance and courtship than I find helpful for those who know little about each other if we are trying to move strategically and intentionally to a life partnership. I sometimes feel overwhelmed trying my best to impress and treat my dates well while ultimately being most interested in learning about them and do find it stressful when they start liking me before I feel comfortable that I know who they are and whether they are the person I want to focus exclusively on.
I do date in parallel and prefer those I'm dating to do the same as I find it stressful when those I am dating become fixated on me prior to myself feeling ready to do the same. I generally say I need a few months (three?) of dating prior to being comfortable being exclusive because I feel a lot of pressure from women in the past to do so quickly and have agreed even though it wasn't consistent with my own thoughts and feelings because I have wanted to please those I'm dating, lose sight of my own wishes which I believe I will no longer struggle with. I do try to communicate my thoughts and feelings as openly as possible to help pace dating and I get better at it the more I practice, but I still have moments of exuberance and excitement that I continue to try to temper because I worry about it creating too strong a connection resulting in the potential for disappointment of those I date. With that said, if you're wanting to know where I am at please feel free to ask, but be ready for the truth that is often not the fantasy that women seem to naturally develop and dream of.
I am inclined to maintain friendship even if life partnership doesn't seem appropriate for either of us for those emotionally mature enough to do so. I have come across ~4 women whose continued contact has been too emotionally taxing to maintain, but it happens less as I've learned how to identify the early warning signs of such better with time to the point I now believe I will be able to avoid most of these people.
I try to protect the heart of those I'm dating and I believe this intentionality, strategy, and restraint is helpful but I am open to communication and collaboration on everything. I request that you try your best to trust I am doing everything in my power to balance doing right by you and myself as anger, distrust, and criticism cuts me deeply, so any patience and compassion for my difficulty and mistakes is greatly appreciated.
Also of note, I love to tackle important topics for compatibility and sustainability of the relationship as soon as those I'm dating are comfortable. The following is an example of a potential list: https://medium.com/@doctorbecky/45-things-to-ask-before-you-get-married-2cd2b61915a1 which I tackle at the end of this webpage. Consider reading this summary of "how not to die" alone to help decide whether we are on the same page: https://ericsandroni.com/how-to-not-die-alone-summary/ . I don't agree with all the points, but I think they are useful things to think about and appreciate when others are thinking about the same.
I ballpark about two years of a relationship prior to my desire to starting to have kids, which I'd like to start as soon as my partner and I are comfortable.
What were some reasons for the end of your past relationships?
I certainly have weaknesses in relationships that I mention in sections further below and continue to try to improve upon them. This section simply describes who initiated the breakup and why.
*The last two women I seriously dated are described above and we dated for about 3 months each.
*ex-GF4 (6 months long): I can't talk about this one publicly per her request.
*as I got to know ex-GF3 (6 months long) better, I felt her values, integrity, and emotional immaturity weren't what I wanted from my life partner and mother of my children.
*ex-GF2 (1 year long) has also asked me not to talk about the relationship. She suggests "We are both learning how to be better, and I think people should have the opportunity to learn about you and make their own opinion. You can just say that we were not compatible if someone asks."
*ex-GF1 (3 years long) was mentioned above in Past Relationship Positive Feedback and broke up with me. I believe I have worked on and changed many things that contributed to her decision, most notably that I didn't commit the time and energy to maintaining the relationship that a partner deserves because I didn't fully understand the importance of this concept and I was still much more concerned and invested in my occupational pursuits at that point. Ultimately she didn't feel loved and appreciated enough which I certainly regret, but believe I can better manage this now.
Why Start A War for the name of the website?
It's a song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y41xwsj7vIs
Ending
Thanks for taking the time to read my profile and any help you provide. Private and public comments available on top right and bottom of this page respectively. Contact info link in top right. 💫
I took out the dating blog/story section, so let me know and I can send it to you or consider bringing it back.
Everything Below was Removed for Brevity:
Survey questions
that I'd find helpful in addition to the information provided in a standard online profile mentioned above:
1. How willing and able (fertility planning and/or number of frozen eggs if over 33) would you be to have 3 more kids.
2. What's your net worth and current and future earnings/cash flow expectations?
3. What are your greatest accomplishments and skills?
4. What are your future aspirations for your life and family?
5. What athletic background do you have?
6. What information do you believe is important for me or a prospective date to know.
Bonuses:
7. Describe how your current dating and relationship aspirations are informed by your past dating and relationships. What are your most recent and significant relationships? What areas of relationships do you still struggle with and try to focus on? What would you describe as the cause of your recent breakups?
8. Tell me about your family background.
9. What are your thoughts on religion, politics, and finances in relationships.
10. How do you like to fill your time and what are your interests?
11. Who are the closest people in your life as far as family and friends?
Tag Line
Are you looking for a man in finance, 6’3”, green eyes???
Social Media
I like connecting with matches on LinkedIn to understand occupational and educational background. Occasionally, I find IG and Facebook useful when initially connecting because I don't feel the profile pictures that were chosen provide an adequate idea of what a person looks like. Once I decide I'm interested in investing time in a match and getting to know them I like being connected on social media because I find it helpful to stay in touch and I'm invested and curious about others successes and like to provide support. I often am hesitant to ask to connect because many women are careful with their privacy and anonymity, but please don't hesitate to let me know if you are alright with letting me see or connect with your social media as I'm generally interested in doing so when I'm building a connection.
Pickleball
Pickleball is my go to activity for networking and dating. It requires little coordination to enjoy and is an incredible networking tool through open play, which I feel all single people should be aware of. It's a viral cultural phenomenon, so it's incredibly timely and I just so happen to be a great tour guide and coach because of my background in coaching, education, and passion for it. Many women are nervous about trying, but not one has ever regretted it that I know of.
Opposite Sex Platonic Relationships:
Some women prefer I don't maintain contact with ex-GF1 and other women who I've developed friendships with and sometimes dated, which I've always complied with when requested. But I'll admit, I don't think it's necessary nor do I require the same from my partner with their male friends and exes. I'm good at maintaining clear boundaries and have never cheated emotionally or physically on any partner (nor do I plan to) and don't require such boundaries for my partner as I'm inherently trusting of others to manage these things themselves as they best see fit.
Why don't you hire a matchmaker?
I have looked in to it and am open to any and all suggestions, however I do question whether they would connect me with anyone better than who is available in the online community. One match suggested that they search LinkedIn and their pool might include people who don't join the apps. I talked to one matchmaker who starts at 50k and explained that it basically is head hunting for matches (and I'll note that I've heard many criticisms of head hunters as well). She suggested I should be focusing on dating rather than the search. Do you think an ideal match would be more responsive to someone else doing the search than me doing it on my own on the apps? I figured I'd do a better job, given all my experience and effort and it would be more practical for someone who doesn't have the system and time to execute. I haven't heard of any users of them that speak highly of them and read and meet many negative reviews of them. They also heavily target my demographic and many of the referrals I've received have been associated with referral bonuses if I sign. Some sources have suggested that many of the best match makers don't do it as a profession, but as their own passion. Overall, I think they make the most sense for those with plenty of money they are happy to spend and without the time and interest in navigating the dating world by themselves.
Why do I want 3 or more children?
I think raising children will be very personally rewarding despite and because of all the work it will entail, even given the investments I plan to make in the difficult tasks of child rearing. Building strong and solid relationships with people, through family, friendship, mentorship, etc is very rewarding and so I'd like to pursue it especially with one of the deepest bonds that all of us have between child and parent. Although we leave legacies to the world with many things we do, one way is through the family and children with which we raise. Although, I'm proud of the influence I've had in this world (and hope to contribute more), I believe I can have even more with the children and family of which I'm a part. I think my partner and I will have and raise great children with the help of our families and communities. Ultimately, it is a combination of personal reward, meaning, and further contribution I hope to make.
What are my areas for improvement in relationships?
I spend lots of time and energy on emotional intelligence, attachment, and communication for the benefit of myself and my future partner (although I find the skills useful in business, friendship, and other relationships). A Facebook friend, former medical school classmate, and life coach suggested I may have some avoidant dismissive tendencies despite my first GF adamantly reporting a secure attachment in our first relationship (I suspect this is because she was more secure, emotionally mature, and respectful of my boundaries than many of the other women who brought out my avoidant side). Remember that attachment styles change with time and change in situations. However, that relationship had several important areas for improvement, including that she sometimes prioritized my needs and wants at the expense of her own and I let her because a bit of unhealthy codependency that was additionally fulled by her taking on occupational responsibilities for me in the relationship as well. This did lead to resentment on her part. We did have other opportunities for growth in improving our communication and emotional intelligence (particularly myself. It was my first relationship though!). Below are some aspects that I have worked on improving including better identifying and managing my own emotional states and those of others which I believe I have improved on enormously.
•In an intimate relationship, I sometimes feel suffocated by demands, especially if my partner asks me how I am feeling. I have difficulty identifying and describing some of my emotions and sometimes other people realize them before I do.
•I sometimes prioritized my interests, career, and hobbies over my relationships.
•I am happy to meet the practical needs of my loved ones, but I sometimes get uncomfortable and have difficulty when these same people need emotional support.
•I am okay with asking others to meet my wants (i.e. friendships, sex life, physical intimacy), but not my needs (practical, financial, survival).
•When my feelings are hurt, I sometimes retreat and process instead of reaching out and talking it through with whoever hurt me.
•I sometimes have difficulty figuring out how to get close emotionally in dating and relationships.
•I like constant and predictable environments under my control because it helps me self-regulate (in addition to exercise which is one of my main self-regulation tools).
•I sometimes have difficulty opening up and being vulnerable.
•Keystone Limiting Belief: I am unsafe
•Other Limiting Beliefs: I am trapped, I am helpless, I am weak if vulnerable, I am powerless, “Why bother” belief, I am defective
•Triggers:
•Criticism/Shame
•Conflict
•Loss of independence/freedom
•Commitments (e.g.: Both big romantic commitments as well as just overcommitting time, space, energy, etc.)
Avoidant Attachment Nervous System Response
•Stress Response: Predominantly Flight and/or Freeze Response
•Setting very large and strong boundaries
•Avoiding Conflict
•Ignoring/dismissing
•Frustration/irritation/impatience
•Chronic low level anxiety
•Stonewalling/Withdrawing/Distance
•Disconnection/dissociation
•Emotional Suppression/Numbing
•Avoiding Vulnerability
•Flaw findings of partners/deactivation
I've done a lot of learning and reflecting to identify and address these tendencies when they rear their head. GF1 thinks my ADD explains the greatest difficulties she experienced in being a relationship with me, as possibly did GF2 and GF4. These things didn't seem to bother the last couple women I dated, which I believe is the result of greater self-awareness and improved communication I've developed.
Why include your net worth? Don't you think you'll attract the wrong people?
I definitely think it will attract some of the wrong people and scare away some of the right people. However, ultimately these are things I find many women including many of my female friends want to know and for very good reasons. Most of them aren't given the information, but try to look for indications of competence and financial and social status. I'd rather just make it easy for women to figure out since some like to know and have continued to improve in my ability to screen the wrong women out as many other successful men and women learn to do. I also prefer to know the financial situation of women I date and so I see this as simply treating others as I myself prefer to be treated and opening up the channel for discussion that women might otherwise feel less inclined to approach without my precedent.
What is the typical response to this website and approach?
There continues to be an unending diverse response to it and the "comments" section on this site can give you a flavor.
Why didn't you reply?
I presume others prefer no response if I haven't been presented enough information to suspect I'd be interested romantically to avoid the sting that is often felt with perceived rejection, so if you do prefer confirmation or explanation of lack of interest, please let me know. I certainly am thankful for everyone's attention and interest and do often worry about the way with which people prefer to be communicated. I for my part love to know when people aren't interested and receive explanations and feedback and continue to train myself to redirect the emotional trigger of perceived rejection gracefully and appreciatively outwardly while continuing to experience the emotions inwardly. However, I certainly can agree it can be exhausting dealing with people who don't handle this disinterest and reason well.
Why do you so openly share your location?
I frequently share my contact information and location with those that have iPhones and understandably many people find this confusing. I tend to be an over-sharer and socially divergent in many of my habits including leaving my stuff unattended out in the open for example. While confusing, my tendency towards being especially open may make some people comfortable being more open themselves that certainly can be helpful in building healthy relationships of all type. While most people ask why they would share their location, my inclination is why shouldn’t I share my location and I can’t think of a reason. I’m happy for people to know where I am and if they happen to be nearby, I’d be happy to have them think of me and consider connecting in person. With that I presume this may also make people uncomfortable who maybe feel a pressure towards social reciprocity. I understand that women don’t have the same privilege or advantage that I have as a male to allow them to be unguarded and feel safe around those they know little about and only rarely do women ever reciprocally share their location.
My Tips:
Dating is not easy for many of us, but I believe the more we invest in improving our skills and abilities (such as emotional intelligence and communication) required for the process, the more likely we are to achieve any goals we have for our life in the realm and the skills are very useful for other areas of your life as well. What holds some people back is how difficult and discouraging the process can be (myself included), so consider finding collaborators, coaches, and mentors to keep you motivated in the process if your relationship goals are important to you. Resources that I've found helpful in improving myself have been using coaches, friends (but be careful trusting general opinions), mentoring others, writing/sharing who I am and what I'm looking for (and having people challenge me), following dating/relationship/life coaches on Reels (Max Butterfield is the best IMO) so my short form media targets that content, and putting lots of time and energy in to personal improvement, dating, and relationship skills. It has been paying incredible dividends in my search and all aspects of my life. Good luck 🍀 to everyone and let me know if can help and if you have discovered any pearls yourself.
Thank You for Everyone's Help
Thank you to those who have and continue to help in my quest for building my network of incredible women and finding a life partner with referrals, sharing this website, providing advice, revisions, and more.
Marriage Counseling Add-On Section
I answered some of the marriage counseling questions from https://medium.com/@doctorbecky/45-things-to-ask-before-you-get-married-2cd2b61915a1:
I answered some of the marriage counseling questions from https://medium.com/@doctorbecky/45-things-to-ask-before-you-get-married-2cd2b61915a1:
- Do you keep your bank account in the black? Yes. What’s your attitude about debt? Fine. I have it on the house with a like 2.?? Interest. Are you okay if your partner wants to handle their money completely differently? I think so. It is hers. I have been in a position to give advice when desired, which has been the case for two girlfriends. Will you be transparent in allowing your spouse to know your finances and will they be transparent with you? I will and hope they will too. Will you combine money or keep separate accounts, each contributing to the household? I’m probably more inclined to keep separate accounts and suspect I will be the primary contributor of household expenses because of my wealth as that seems to have been the case in all my past relationships as there has always been a fairly large wealth disparity. I do plan on using a prenuptial agreement..
- Sex. What are your sexual preferences? Are you mostly vanilla or do you like a lot of sprinkles and syrups? Fairly vanilla, but happy to accommodate to the preferences of my partner. What type of sexual relationship do you envision as ideal? Communication about our sexual desires, preferences, and frequency with willingness to collaborate to optimize for both of us. Do you have the maturity to be okay on those days, weeks or months your spouse doesn’t feel like it? Yeah. Easy for me. I have handled it myself most of my life. Can you be flexible over the lifespan as sexual interest ebbs and flows? Absolutely. Would you seek medical treatment and potentially take medications or undergo procedures if something physical came up that affect being sexual? Sure. No problem.
- Bio family. If you marry, would your partner put you first, over their extended family members? Absolutely. Does their family practice appropriate boundaries and mind their own business? I think so. Would they be supportive of your relationship? Yes. What are your biological family’s expectations of you as a couple? We make our own rules and they would prefer to stay out of most of it. Are you willing to set firm boundaries with them if necessary? Sure.
- Career. Will one or both of you have a career? Have you discussed career goals? I want to work to expand. Will you stay in balance with your work, avoiding workaholism? I’ll try my best. I may need my partner's help setting boundaries, however I've deprioritized most work until I find a partner, so dating, relationships, etc is where most of my time and energy go. Do you believe one person’s career is more important than the other? No. If one of you wants to quit work, to raise kids, go to school, take a break, would you be willing to support them? I think so. If you have children and must take them to the doctor, who will leave work to do so? I currently don’t have work, but figured we might have nannies as well. Who will take the day off to nurse a sick child? Flexible schedule now, so I can probably do it most of the time.
- Work ethic. If your family requires a two-person income to live a solid middle class lifestyle, are you willing to pull your weight to make it happen? Sure, but probably not needed. If either one of you lose your job, will you find something, anything, to help until you can find something new? Again, probably a non-issue.
- Tidiness. Is one of you obsessive about cleanliness and everything having a place? Not me. Will you be able to lovingly live with a partner who is not that way? Would you inflict your tidy and cleanliness needs on them? If you are messy, are you willing to be more mindful of how that affects others? I have a tendency to messiness and disorganization and happy to get maids and do my best to contain myself.
- Holidays. Some people have strong family traditions. Would you be willing to spend every major holiday with either you or your partner’s family? I think I’m flexible. Only one partner through the holidays and she would spend it with mine most of the time, but I do whatever my partner tells me. Would you be willing to take turns, or would you prefer to have your own holiday, just the two of you? I’m fine with whatever, although I’ve never done an own holiday with a partner. What kind of birthday, holiday traditions are important to you? Thanksgiving and Christmas I typically do with my family. Are there any holiday or birthday traditions you reject? I don’t think so, although I don't usually celebrate birthdays or holidays on my own accord.
- Spiritual practice. Religious beliefs are highly personal. Does either one of you have a strong spiritual or religious stance? I am non-spiritual and agnostic and prefer to avoid religion or any investment in the metaphysical. Is it important for your spouse to practice the way you do? I have never been in a relationship with someone especially religious but I’d be open to it. Would you want to raise children in your religion? I’d defer to my wife’s wishes on this, but prefer to have to participate as little as possible. Is it okay with you if you practice religion or spirituality while your spouse does not? I’d prefer I’m not made to, but have accommodated girlfriends for special occasions like visiting one of their grandmothers and such.
- Pets. Does one of you have, or want to have, pets? Anyone allergic to pets? Myself and my parents are allergic to cats and siblings and parents have always had dogs. I've never bothered with having a pet, but helped my one girlfriend who did have one. Are you both okay with having indoor pets? That’s fine. Would you let your pet sleep in your bed? I think so, as long as it doesn’t disturb my sleep too much. Do you believe in responsible pet ownership that includes medical care and not surrendering your animal for any reason? I believe in responsible medical care. I'm not sure what is meant by not surrendering your animal. My mother typically euthanized our dogs when practical to do so because of underlying illness if that's what is meant and got rid of her dog when I was born as it seemed to be unsafe around me. My mom was also very upset at my step grandmother whose dog bit my sister's face and blamed my sister for it. If you have pets, who will feed and take care of them? I’ll try to help like I did with my second girlfriend.
- Politics. The nation has become viciously divided, and so have many couples and families who have different views on political issues. Do you have similar or opposing beliefs? I come from a progressive/liberal/democratic family and I'm the least political in my family by far. Do you require a potential partner to have the same political beliefs as you? No. Can you be fine with a partner who dislikes almost everything you believe in? I haven’t had to deal with that before, but my first girlfriends dad was a chiropractor and so she believed heavily on a pseudoscience called muscle testing and organized her food and water consumption in a very regimented fashion around it. She also had some views that considered anti-scientific such as vaccine skepticism. I would prefer partners who don't hold these anti-scientific beliefs, but I can deal with them as demonstrated in that past relationship. Definitely like to know the deal upfront though.
- Sports. Does one of you like to watch or play sports anytime you can, including golf, football, tennis, soccer, hunting, fishing, etc. I do love to workout and/or play sports everyday. Do you believe you are balanced in your love of participating in or watching sports? I have become imbalanced in the past but think I have learned to become more balanced in relationships with time. If you are obsessed with watching or participating in sports, is your partner okay with that? Are you willing to compromise? I believe I am pretty good at compromising now.
- Firearms. What are your beliefs about firearms? Don’t think they are necessary. Would you have firearms in your home? Prefer not to, but my first girlfriend got a gun for her personal protection. Would they be loaded? I think hers was loaded. What safety precautions would you take? I think she left on the safety. Hopefully it’s locked if we had kids.
- Music. Do you share similar taste in music? Would you insist on playing your music even if your spouse abhors it? What kind of music drives you crazy? Can you find music that both of you enjoy? Hasn’t been an issue yet. I don’t love some of my mom’s music and I deal with it.
- Health. Do you believe in taking care of yourself? Yes. Do you do it? Yes. Do you get regular health maintenance like checkups, dentist visits, vaccinations? Most of the time. Do you care if your spouse does? I prefer she did. Do you think exercise and weight management is important? Yes. If you experience health problems would you do all you can to resolve them? Yes.
- Alcohol. Do you drink? Not really. If you do, do you do it in balance? Do you care if your partner drinks? No. If drinking becomes a problem in your life, would you get help? Yes, but I have never had issues with addiction.
- Birth Control. Do you believe both partners are responsible for birth control? Yes. As a spouse, would you be willing to use birth control? Yes. If you decide to not have any more children, would either of you be willing to take permanent measures to end fertility? Yes.
- Boundaries with exes. Do you believe it is okay to remain friends with ex and sometimes do things together? I have remained friendly with two ex-gfs, but we never do anything other than text or chat occasionally. I feel like I’m good with boundaries and trust worthy if I did do anything with them. Trust my partner to make the right decision for themself.
- Crazy exes. Crazy vindictive exes exist and can bring down a relationship that otherwise would have flourished. If your potential partner is constantly going back to court to battle and their former love enjoys making life miserable for them, you might think twice before signing up. I have one crazy ex-gf. We rarely communicate anymore.
- Saving. Do you believe in setting a certain amount of money aside for retirement? Yes Do you have a plan for that? Yes. Are you okay if you want to save and your spouse does not? I’d prefer a spouse that likes to save as well.
- Worry, anxiety and mental health. One of the biggest shocks I’ve experienced as a therapist is seeing how nervous, fearful, anxious, phobic, or paranoid so many people are. The constant obsessive thinking drains energy, breaks down health, and relationships. These things are highly fixable with trauma therapy and sometimes, medications. If you have this issue, would you be willing to do everything in your power to overcome it? Yes, I’ve had to overcome this thing before during acute stressors and developed many tools including medication.
- Personality. One of the few things in life that can’t be changed. If you don’t like characteristics of your partner’s personality, decide if they are deal breakers. I am extroverted and a walking exclamation mark, my husband is introverted and loves quiet, and it works, mainly because he is incredibly accepting and tolerant. Can you be tolerant of your partner’s personality differences, or do you want them to be like you, or different than they are? Can you accept them as is, without hope for change? I’ve had partners that have difficulty accepting my ADD and some with difficulty with my obsessive compulsive personality traits around saving and frugality, but I’ve also learned how to become more flexible and communicate better with time.
- Growth and evolution. The world is full of seekers and non-seekers. Which one are you? Some people are endlessly curious and love learning, growing, and being better. This is me. Others are fine with how they are. I have had numerous conversations with distraught spouses married to people who care nothing about evolving. Would this be important to you? I love evolving and I don’t think I’ve dated anyone who does like the same.
- Eating out. Some people want to eat out almost every meal, and sometimes this means fast food. Is that okay with you? I rarely eat out, but would be open to it. What kind of meal traditions are important to you? None. Do you care about healthy nutrition? Healthy diet is important to me. Is it okay with you if your spouse does not? I’d prefer a spouse that cares about health. Never dated anyone who doesn’t care. Probably wouldn’t
- Food. What kinds of foods would you want to keep around the house? Who will be responsible for grocery shopping and cooking? You probably wouldn’t want to eat most of the food I make, but you’re certainly welcome to. Not a fan of grocery shopping for others, but I’ll do it.
- TV habits. In the age of streaming, enticing television is always available, and it can become addicting. Do you love to spend most free time, in the evening after work, watching TV? I try to avoid TV. Do you think television is a waste of time and should be minimized? Yes, I think TV is a waste of time and should be minimized. Would you like a TV-free household? I just don’t like a TV on frequently because I find it very distracting. If you do enjoy watching TV together, does that count as quality time? Yeah, that counts. Are you comfortable with your partner watching TV and knitting, painting, or playing on their phone or tablet? Preferably with ear buds, because as previously mentioned, I find it distracting.
- Phones, tablets, video games. Is your partner in love with their electronic devices? I spend a lot of time on my computer and phone, but try to respect people by putting it away when quality time is being had. Are you comfortable with the amount of time they spend on these plug-in time consumers? It’s not fair to get married to someone who has a phone glued to their hand and ask them to put it down so you can be comfortable. Work it out prior to marriage. I’ll probably need to learn when it needs to be put away.
- Retirement plans. A lot of people I know did not plan for the future and regret it today. If you want to have an adult marriage, you will both want to dedicate yourselves to putting back enough for your senior years. Don’t count on working until you die or inheriting a chunk from Grandmother. Live your lives as if your financial future depends on you, because often, it will.
- Emotional maturity. This is a biggie. One of the most common characteristics of emotional immaturity is blaming other people for your unhappiness. Short of things like getting punched in the nose unprovoked, blaming others for your plight in life is highly inappropriate. You are responsible for you and your happiness. People who are mature control and edit themselves and accept responsibility for how they feel. Adults are willing to delay gratification for a higher reward. They are respectful and conduct themselves in a way that’s conducive to getting along with people. They are solid and grounded. For me, this is a requirement to sign up for a lifetime with someone.
- Attachment style. It’s important to know your and your partner’s attachment styles, and to decide whether you are comfortable with them. If not, you have the option to work for change, but it’s a tough journey. Here’s what they are: 1. Avoidant — Keeps people at arm’s length. Often emotionally unavailable. Too much closeness and they pull away while complaining of feeling smothered. 2. Anxious. Anxiety-filled and desperately seek closeness. May feel insecure and need regular reassurance and contact. When paired with an avoidant, they play a game of trying to pull their love closer, only to find they stay for a moment, and pull away. 3. Secure attached. The healthiest attachment style, the secure attached person can give their partner all the space they need or come close, whatever is called for. 4. Disorganized. Unpredictable and volatile in relationships, experience feelings of both avoidant and anxious attachment. If it was me, I would always choose a secure attached partner. I have some secure and some avoidant tendencies.
- Temperament. Oh, the misery a moody person brings to another. A bad mood can ruin precious moments, and the sad thing is, it’s controllable. Are you and your partner capable of controlling your moods? If not, would you go to a physician and therapist to sort it out? It is each person’s responsibility to bring their best self to the marriage. Most partners would probably describe me as stable, although I have had some instability in times of significant career stress.
- Sleep and energy levels. I was raised in a family where sleep was a precious thing, and it was always to be respected. If someone was tired, let them sleep. Other families are more regimented and perceive that sleeping late in the morning and taking naps is a sign of laziness and time-wasting. I personally disagree with this. What are your views on sleeping? Can you get up at the break of dawn and allow your spouse to sleep if they need with no negative repercussions? The healthy stance is to let people be who they are, practice self-care as they need, and to not control or judge them. When it comes to having enough energy to make it through a day, good sleep hygiene, nutrition, being mentally and emotionally healthy are all part of what creates it. Are you willing to arrange your life so that you have as much energy as you need to work and participate in family relationships? I’m a night owl and can get on weird sleep routines.
- Expectations. Many of my clients expect certain things and raise hell when disappointed. It is not appropriate for any adult to have expectations of another without the other person’s agreement. It’s important for a couple to negotiate expectations in the marriage. You will find many subjects to address as far as that goes right here on this list. Go over it, and mutually agree on what you can. You may not get everything you desire, and if you don’t, you must take care yourself as you would a child who is let down.
- Loyalty. Potentially more important than anything else on this list, do you have one another’s back? If someone speaks ill of your love, will you correct them? Will you protect them from your family if your family steps on toes? Will you drop what you’re doing to be there for them if something major befalls? This is one of the biggest bond builders, and knowing your love is solidly in your corner come what may is one of the best feelings there is. Make sure your partner has it. I think I’m good on this in relationships and have some ex-es that can vouch for this.
- Friendship. Would you still want to know and be close friends with your partner if they were a different gender? If your attraction is mainly physical, you’re putting your eggs in the wrong basket. It is friendship and the enjoyment of each other’s company that will carry you through to the finish line. All we need is a fondness that feels comfortable, warm, and fuzzy, that no one else but your partner can provide.
- Power differentials. Age, beauty, money, education, culture, religion, social background … all these dynamics have power. Marriage therapists know that the wider apart a couple is in power differentials, the more likely the relationship will falter. For example, you are young, they are old; you come from money, they’ve always been poor. You are beautiful, them not so much. He has a doctorate; you have a GED. You are Asian, they are African American. Any sort of discrepancies, differences in each person, will weigh against the relationship over the long term. Not always or in every case, but it should be considered.
- Work of marriage. Most people have heard that marriage is work, but they don’t know what that means. It means time, thoughtfulness, self-control, and sacrifice. The book The Five Love Languages (2) is the best book to explain what this means. Physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, and gifts. Find out your partner’s love languages and practice them daily. Yes, I said daily. I struggled with this in my first couple relationships. Because of my ADD and OCPD I can get hyperfixated and neglectful, but I respond well to to feedback from my partner and have learned to communicate this.
- Sensibilities. Some people are picky and bothered by a lot of things, and others are extremely tolerant of people and their environment. Which do you think is easiest to live with? I think I’m quite tolerant.
- Social media. I can’t tell you how many clients complain about their spouse being addicted to their phone, tablet, and social media. And the video games! The question is, how much does your partner do it, and are they able to set these things aside and be there when you need them? If it’s a problem now, I’d take whether they are the person for you under serious consideration.
- Debt. My husband teasingly causes Amazon deliveries bankruptcy boxes. That’s funny, but credit cards and financial infidelity are a tremendous issue in marriages, and whether you plan to share cards or have one of your own, will you be transparent with how much unsecured debt you carry? Some spouses want zero credit card debt, would you be on board with that? What’s your philosophy of spending now, paying later? I try to always pay of my balance. I couldn’t handle a spouse who didn’t have decent saving and personal finance capabilities.
- Vacations. Yes, some couples argue about vacations. Whether to take them, when to take them, how frugal, how fancy? Beach? Snow? The Grand Canyon? Burning Man? Others are homebodies and would prefer never to travel at all. Does your partner have any fears or phobias that prevent them from wanting to travel? What are your ideas and dreams about how family vacation time should be spent? I’m a home body and not in to fancy things, but I am happy to accommodate my partners wishes as well and find a balance. I’m also open to my partner traveling without me as they desire.
- Vax or no vax? This may have to do with politics, but I have seen a couple who separated because one spouse wouldn’t wear a mask or get vaccinated during the pandemic, and the wife found it so disrespectful that she kicked her husband out. How would you handle such a situation? If you are against vaccinations, can you accept your spouse having a different opinion? Can you respect your partner’s decisions when they are different from yours? I have trouble with people that are in to conspiracy theories and anti-science. With that said, I almost married one and I found ways to deal with it. But I would love to find someone with normal critical reasoning and appropriate trust in science.
- Fighting style. Criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling are predictors of divorce. In marriages that happily last the long term, the couples tend to laugh things off. Most couples I see are in the first category. I teach couples daily how to settle arguments calmly and respectfully, and how to get to the point where they can laugh things off. It’s a learned skill and you must pay a trauma therapist to teach you how. Knowing what I know, I would insist on that. I think I am pretty good at this stuff.
- Boundaries. Adults have free will to live as they choose, and no one has the right to control them. That’s why I want you to understand that your marriage partner comes, as is. Marriage will involve negotiation, compromise, and sometimes sacrifice. If you have met someone who is controlling and have to have things a certain way, then you need to think long and hard about how that’s going to feel day after day, year after year. We all have the right to make reasonable and respectful requests of our spouses, but they have the right to say no. Also, boundaries include restraining and editing yourself, with friends and family. Is your partner good at that? Do they hold things inside and resent? If so, think again, my friend. I work a lot on my emotional intelligence, regulation, and conflict resolution skills. Also, have addressed some of my OCPD that’s not ideal for relationships. I think I’m in a pretty good spot.
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